[Side note: Why do I capitalize each first letter in the post title? Does that look weird?]
You know what been on my mind a lot recently? Sex.
Admittedly, it is on my mind a lot, but I've been really missing my boyfriend lately, and I think that has something to do with it.
Of course, I miss him for more reasons than I miss getting laid. I miss cuddling, and kissing, and holding hands, going to movies, eating dinner together, etc. I just want to see him and do silly couple things because...well thats what couples do. Its pretty great, not even going to pretend like it isn't.
But yes, I miss him because I also miss having sex.
And all this built up hormonal frustration has put sex on the brain. Not always in a naughty way though, of course those thoughts do occur.
But all this thinking has lead me to one conclusion; sex is a fucking weird act.
I mean, if you take a moment to think about the actual physical act of it, its kind of like "you want me to do what with my what to create...what?"
Honestly, I can't tell if this physicality is really beautiful or really disgusting. Obviously its a natural thing, but that doesn't help me in figuring out my feelings towards it.
And thats another thing that goes into it, feelings.
There are a lot of feelings that just kind of float around when it comes to sex. Some people are able to separate emotional attachment from physical wants, and some people aren't. I'm not really sure why some can and some can't. I guess its because some view it as an intimate thing, while others...don't.
Don't even get me started on the feelings that come with losing virginity.
Oh no, I'm getting started, here comes the ramble; obviously I know losing your v-card is different for everyone. Personally, I did the naughty before real feelings were involved. Do I regret it? No, like I said, I can differentiate physical needs from emotions. And what I learned is that Degrassi lied to me. I was told that I would have overwhelming emotions, cry before, during, and after, feel like a changed woman. Nope. All I felt was a little sore.
Thank you media for giving me false expectations for doing the naughty.
Thats the last thing I want to touch on, the idea of sex being "naughty."
I just...I don't understand. Some days I sit and think to myself "hey wow, this is an incredibly intimate act that should only be shared between me and my boyfriend/partner/whomever" and I blush thinking about it because its embarrassing.
Then other days I think "people should talk about this because its a natural thing, I don't get why everyone is so bashful about it!" Then I make posts like this on my blog.
This post alone has got me bouncing between "share/not to share." Part of me is going "hey no wait, don't press publish, what if someone important sees this post and gets all embarrassed about it?" And the other half of me is saying "be quiet, its a blog, you can post what you want. This isn't even embarrassing you just sound rambly. Plus sex is a natural thing people should be able to discuss freely."
The latter half of me also believes they should sell condoms like chapstick, available to everyone and up front near the candy bars in CVS. Not hidden away. How radical.
You know, this post was supposed to help organize my thoughts and help me figure out how I feel about this beautiful/disgusting/private/lets always talk about it, its fun, act.
And I just sound as confused as ever.
I don't know.
Its 2 AM.
I'm sorry if you actually read this post, but I'm going to bed now.